Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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