I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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