Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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