That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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