i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
