I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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