I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
