Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
The air taste purple.
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