the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
