So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
