It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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