i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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