I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
