my cup is half full, half full of rum.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
So vagazzling was a success
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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