I can't watch pbs sober anymore
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
