The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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