I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
