she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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