you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
