Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
The Olympian is in my bed
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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