You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
BRING THE BAGELS
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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