I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
