I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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