return my video game
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
