How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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