In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
