my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
