Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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