The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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