Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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