Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
