the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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