the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
