the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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