Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Randomize
