To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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