I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
