my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
