She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
