I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
the day after is always just damage control
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize