I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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