my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
