mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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