I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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