"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
