Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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