Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
