people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
