I puked a lego.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
