i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
