Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
