I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
