I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
