Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize