I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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