i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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