She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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